Bloodwood Wine Club

Over the 40 years we’ve been plying our trade here at Bloodwood, we have often been asked (usually by new visitors to the cellar door) if we have a Wine Club. Now we don’t actually know what a “Wine Club” is but from our side of the cellar door counter, it seems to roughly translate as, “do you do discounts?” Now as you all know, Rhonda and I always give discounts except to those people who ask for them. For a start, we can’t add up, so there’s as much a chance you will receive a discount as there is that you’ll be overcharged. 50/50..it’s a good gamble. However the pressure is mounting for us here at Bloodwood to normalise our cellar door outreach programme for the emerging generations and as a consequence we are herewith announcing the establishment of the Bloodwood Wine Club. To apply, you will have to forward us the following information.

• Surname Middle Name Given Name

• Date and place of birth

• Mother’s Maiden Name

• Name of your first dog

• Street Address and delivery instructions including building security code

• Mobile and if different, Home phone number

• Personal Email Address

• Credit Card Pin Number (we already have your credit card number and cvv)

• Medibank Private Membership Plan (we already have your card number and medical history)

• Optus Billing Address (we already have your linked bank account and automatic renewal authority)

• MyGov Log In (we already have your password and Company Director ID)

• And a fingerprint certified copy of your Bitcoin wallet credentials (we already have your Medibank Private Mental Health Care Plan)

As Groucho’s dictum underlines, we understand at Bloodwood that you desperately wouldn’t want to become a member of any club which would accept you as a member so your application will be automatically rejected.

It is only by having your membership application disapproved that you can maintain your exclusive non-membership of the Bloodwood Wine Club and become compulsorily eligible for a 10% increase in any offers made through these Bloodwood Wines newsletters.

For example, if a Bloodwood Wine Club offer is priced at $500, you will be charged $550 because of your verified non-membership of the Bloodwood Wines Wine Club. The extra $50 will be matched by the Bloodwood Reconciliation Department and a donation, in this case of $100 ($50 from you and $50 from us) will be made to a worthy charity. Oz Harvest and Turbans 4 Australia are currently doing great work where it is needed. So there you have it. The Bloodwood Wines Wine Club is up and running. Current membership: 0 and not counting.